Those jigsaw puzzles that we'd start and finish every family holiday led me into the whole wide world of puzzles (number, logic, word, etc.) and I quickly became enamored with figuring things out. Even now, I find so much enjoyment by simply putting my iTunes on shuffle and curling up with a big book of either crosswords or Sudoku. That's why I absolutely love the scheduling aspect of my job so much - it's all about finding out what fits and what doesn't so that my boss can have a smooth, seamless, and complete day. Essentially, I get paid to take a 200 piece puzzle that's mixed up in a box and put it together so it shows the picture of what we're doing, where we're going, and what my company hopes to accomplish.
When things start to go too smoothly, though, I get anxious. I panic. I never learned how to internalize what most people long for -- the calm and peace that comes from a job well done. I'm kind of a weirdo, and I need those everyday challenges to keep me on track, to keep me focused on the big picture and see how the little puzzle of my day fits into the bigger puzzle of my life which fits into the biggest puzzle of all - our cosmic existence and purpose.
So what do I do when I feel like I've finished every metaphorical puzzle I own? When my life is going smoothly and I have no worldly concerns? I rip everything apart, put the pieces back in the box, shake it up and start all over again, of course.
Last night, I did just that. Half a bottle of Jim Beam, straight, and I was making plans with my ex and over-sharing with my sister and making absolutely absurd and unfair accusations against someone I barely knew. I had pressed the self-destruct button for fun, and nothing I said or did could take it back.
I woke up this morning severely dehydrated and thinking about Meredith Grey (Yes, I used to watch Grey's Anatomy. I'm a girl, what do you want from me?) I can't remember the full context of the episode, but I do remember one of her best quotes: "Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop."
Why do I periodically and purposefully smash things up in my life? Because it feels so damn fulfilling when I put the pieces back together.
To those of you who know all too well what I'm talking about (i.e. the collateral damage - y'all are getting personal apologies soon, I promise), I'm not making excuses for myself. I have my share of unattractive qualities, and my penchant for personal creative destruction is definitely one of them. But here's the thing about creative destruction -- not every piece has to fit back where it was before. Try as you might, a square peg can't fit into a round hole and sometimes two jigsaw pieces just can't fit, no matter how hard you smash them together.
